Yesterday* I was lazily drinking my lunch at the Oak Room. Avoiding the implacable summer heat became my primary aim as I tipped the remains of my drink down my gullet.
I recognized her immediately; Spangles and sequins swirling about her now lithe person, Liza Minelli approached me. Looked right at me. She asked if I’d help her buy a car. She saw it just outside.
“It’s the most marrrrrvelous shade of red! Come with me. I’ll pay, I’ve just never bought a car before.”
Who am I to say no to Liza?
She paid my tab and I stumbled out into the heat.
Parked near the fountain, a Toyota Camry hybrid idled. Liza knocked on the window and the young men inside rolled down the windows. The smell of a strawberry dutch mixed with another pungent aroma, poofed at
“Hi. What’s up?”
“This is Liza Minelli, star of stage and screen and she’d like to buy your whip” Liza blushed slightly at my faint praise and a price was quickly agreed to.
And that’s it. She handed over the cabbage. And they signed over the title to a 2006 Toyota which reeked slightly of marijuana. I took my ten percent finder’s fee and Liza and I drove to the Palm for dinner, where we sat beneath her picture.
This is a simple one. Just get closer.
Better batter battle! (Special Guest Post)
So on the heels of my recent graduation from finishing school (Prudence Vetiver’s Academy of the Gentlemanly Arts), I’ve declared to enter a forthcoming culinary championship in my home state of New Jersey.
The Northeast Regional Cookery Expo opens on the seventh Saturday of this month in the fair city of Parsippany at Guild Hall.
Since I’m now a certified Hyphnomixologist -an expert in the making of unleavened batter for all manner of crepe, cracker, and flapjack, as well as for hoe, pan, and griddlecake- it follows that I’ll compete in the Breakfast, Brunch and Affiliated Prelunch Meals Division of the competition.
As I had to end my education at Miss Vetiver’s graduate program abruptly due to a disturbing onset of Hoof in Mouth Disease* I’ll require the services of a griddle and pan handler. I hope to resume my education soon, but at the moment I’m only certified to mix and prepare unleavened batters.
Actually heating, flipping and cooking is strictly contraindicated by my present level of certification.
Those qualified to apply may reach me by Carrier Pigeon Despatch or in care of the American Express Office, Newton, New Jersey.
Regards,
Antinous Townley, AASH
*(Not me, but my pony Mr. Sprinkles)